Have I Revised My TV Pilot to Death?

Hold onto your seats…

… because what I’m about to say is earth-shattering. Ready? You holding on? Okay, here it goes: the film and television industry is a tricky one to break into.

Whoa, right? How’s that earth around you?

The thing is: it’s tricky across the board. Actors, directors, writers, cinematographers, camera operators, etc.—it takes a lot of people to make stories come to life for screens both large and small, and it takes a lot of “paying your dues” to secure a single job, let alone build an entire career.

It is doubly hard if you do not live in Los Angeles, where the majority of the industry’s business is still conducted, and where networking opportunities still lurk around several corners.

For writers, thankfully, you no longer have to live in LA for someone in the industry to read your script, but you’re far less likely to encounter someone who knows someone whose cousin had an agent once that might give your script a look and who—here’s the important part—might be able to actually do something with it.

The internet has enabled some channels through which promising scripts can get nearer to the “right hands.”

There are contests, of course, plenty of them. But there is also this thing called “coverage,” (a Hollywood way of saying “feedback”) where for a price you can submit your script to be read by industry professionals and returned with actionable feedback.

One such service is called WeScreenplay, which I’ve used on five different occasions now. The thinking here being: rather than pay the submission fee for a contest in which it’s very unlikely my script will place (I’ve been advised by a few people to avoid contests, in general, as they are a gamble with terrible odds), why not use the same amount of money on a service designed to improve my script while also, if the reader enjoys it enough, give me the green light for something of a jump in the line toward the aforementioned “right hands”.

Because that’s what can happen—say I submit a 95-page script for a feature-length thriller and the reader to whom the script was assigned decides, “Whoa, this is too good to pass up,” they at WeScreenplay can give the script what’s called a “Recommend” grade. Scripts given said grade are, in the words of WeScreenplay, “moved up the ladder.”

A “Recommend” grade is rare, mind you. But rarer than that coveted competition win? Eh, I’d say it’s unlikely.

Less rare at WeScreenplay are the grades of “Pass” and “Consider,” both of which are as they sound—a “Pass” means that, if the reader were in a producer’s shoes, they’d pass on the script; and “Consider” means that in the same scenario, the script is slightly better than the slush pile, and is thus worth considering.

That said, a “Consider” doesn’t “move up the ladder.” Only the coveted “Recommend” grade does.

Okay, now that you have that knowledge about scripts and about orgs offering coverage services…

Let’s revisit the fact that I’ve submitted work of mine to WeScreenplay on five separate occasions. One such submission was for a brand new project, but four of those five were for The American Queen, a TV pilot I shared with you a few weeks back.

(You don’t have to have read it for this post to land, so don’t worry.)

While WeScreenplay for an added fee allows you to request specific readers, for each of the submissions, I’ve “rolled the dice,” and allowed The American Queen to be placed in front of fresh eyes—a decision made based upon a mix of cost effectiveness and the embracing of the idea that as someone relatively new to the medium, the more eyes I can get on this pilot, the better I’ll ultimately be able to make it.

The results have been, as you’ll see in what’s to follow, confusing.

Before I share those, however, I think it’s important to note a few more things:

The American Queen files away under the category of “TV Drama.”
- WeScreenplay accepts TV pilots in the categories of “Drama” and “Comedy”.
- Typically, TV drama scripts range from 45 to 70 pages.
  - The rule of thumb is 1 page = 1 minute of screen time.
With each new submission to WeScreenplay, a new version of The American Queen was being submitted.
- Meaning: I’d taken the notes received from coverage on the previous submission, paired them with notes from writing friends I trust, made revisions, attached the new version, paid my fee and sent the new version along for those fresh eyes.
  - The first submission was made in November 2020 and the most recent was in July 2023. So we’re looking at a range of time spanning roughly two and a half years.
You, the writer, never learn the identity of the WeScreenplay reader (which is good; you shouldn’t), though with each submission you receive a very short write-up showcasing the reader’s past work in the industry and what makes them qualified to have read your script and weighed in how they have.
This one’s important: each submission is graded on a dynamic scale that is specific to that reader, rather than it being on a fixed scale.
- Submissions, for TV Drama pilots anyway, are graded in six different categories: Overall Impression, Characters, Concept, Plot, Dialogue, and Structure.
  - For each category, submissions receive a “percentile grade,” which given the dynamic scale element means: if in the Characters category you receive a 72nd percentile grade, that means that your script is in the 72nd percentile not of all scripts submitted to WeScreenplay, but of the scripts reviewed by this specific reader.
  - Readers typically provide at least a paragraph of write-up explaining their grading for each category.
    - Almost all of them have provided much more than a paragraph, however, which has been largely appreciated.

Okay.

I know that’s a lot of info up front, but I think that’s all you need to know for everything to make sense as you comb through the following responses I’ve received from WeScreenplay readers (condensed for reading time), starting with that November 2020 submission…

NOV. 2020 / READER #1

Context

Script Length: 54 pages
Reader Bio Provided (at time of feedback): Reader has an MFA in Screenwriting and has provided pilot and feature film script coverage for Valhalla Entertainment and Blumhouse Productions; including notes on novels, web series, graphic novels and plays. Previously wrote for production companies working with Lifetime and Hallmark channels.

Reader #1 Grading:

(In case the above image is hard to see/read: Overall Impression: 74th percentile; Characters: 86th percentile; Concept: 74th percentile; Plot: 64th percentile; Structure: 73rd percentile; Dialogue: 78th percentile)

Key Reader #1 Feedback

“Something that really stands out about this pilot is its atmosphere, something that these pages focus on through a slow, deliberate pace and a lot of emotion as darker subject matter is handled. The script feels truly desolate in the best way; not only in terms of the apocalyptic landscape that these characters inhabit, but also in terms of the tone and the pervasive sense of dread that contributes to this aforementioned atmosphere.”

“The plotting in The American Queen is another area that could be stronger, particularly when it comes to giving the characters more agency in the present. The big issue is that the script spends too much time with characters living in the past or simply existing without having objectives to work toward or agency in pursuing these goals, as the strongest examples of this only really occur in the pilot's final pages.”

“Something that does work is how this pilot introduces three separate plot lines, which makes it easier to picture how story will be generated for future episodes, but it could be stronger to find ways to have these plot lines overlap more throughout the pilot to demonstrate the story engine and main hook for future episodes.”

“A real standout in The American Queen is dialogue, particularly with how much it is used to convey emotion and character in organic and impactful ways. This feels surprising for a script with a very visual and fascinating world to explore, but the sometimes overly lengthy scenes of conversation (as addressed above) bring some of the most effective pieces of emotion that contribute to tone and theme.”

Additional Reader #1 Notes

Rated by Reader #1 in the top 25% of submissions received and placed in their “Consider” category, meaning: if they were a producer in search of a TV show, they’d consider this pilot for development.

FEB. 2021 / READER #2

Context

Script Length: 63 pages (+9 from version read by Reader #1)
Reader Bio Provided (at time of feedback): I come from a production and development background in both feature film and scripted television. Selected production credits include: People of Earth (Warner), Indian Horse (Devonshire Productions), Rogue Bridal (W Network), in addition to many commercials and music videos. I served as a Development Executive in prime time for Marble Media in 2018, and as a freelance script reader for 5+ years.

Reader #2 Grading:

(In case the above image is hard to see/read: Overall Impression: 76th percentile; Characters: 76th percentile; Concept: 70th percentile; Plot: 88th percentile; Structure: 86th percentile; Dialogue: 45th percentile)

Key Reader #2 Feedback

“There is a lot of power in the detail and specificity of the world in this show. There is no holding back. The audience will be thrust into the dark and thrilling post-apocalyptic version of the US. There are many strong elements to how this story is set-up: although this story jumps around temporally, it remains fairly clear as the plot unfurls. The characters are also well-established, for the most part the audience will be clear [of] their objectives. Additionally, there are some nice layers created for the character discovery/arcs throughout the subsequent season of episodes. At times, the dialogue can be somewhat lengthy. It is understandable that this is written consciously and within the style/tone of the show. However, it does feel as though there is opportunity to activate some scenes further, with a lot of dialogue.”

“There is a nice amount of anticipation and slow-roll-out in this plot. This episode manages to establish the state of these characters and their world. The flashbacks allow the audience to understand these characters lived in a somewhat more familiar world to what the audience knows.”

“There are moments of lengthier dialogue in this script, which understandably carry the purpose of exposition and tension building. It is not suggested that these longer lines need to be slashed. However, there could be more action caked around them. Meaning, there could be competing interests within these scenes that increase tension while this dialogue plays out. The characters could be more activated in these scenes.”

“This concept does not hold back. There is a lot of grit and gore in the world of this story… Something to consider would be finding areas of heart and warmth within the chaos, while not subtracting from the overall tone.”

Additional Reader #2 Notes

Rated by Reader #2 in the top 26% of submissions, but placed into their “Pass” category, meaning: if they were a producer looking for a new TV script, they’d pass on this pilot.

APR. 2021 / READER #3

Context:

Script Length: 70 pages (+7 from version read by Reader #2)
Reader Bio Provided (at time of feedback): The reader is an experienced screenplay reader who has also analyzed films and scripts in podcast form for the past eight years.

Reader #3 Grading:

(In case the above image is hard to see/read: Overall Impression: 52nd percentile; Characters: 42nd percentile; Concept: 83rd percentile; Plot: 54th percentile; Structure: 54th percentile; Dialogue: 54th percentile)

Key Reader #3 Feedback:

“The opening to this script is beautifully dark. This grabs the reader's attention straight away and makes a powerhouse of a teaser moment. From that point forward the script doesn't quite have the same effectiveness and at times can overly explain plot or background detail that doesn't impact the series. So there are areas where the script could be more lean and mysterious rather than reading heavy, with material that's not vital to the telling of the story.”

“…Vitri is somewhat one-dimensional at this point. Reyn—this is a character that's the heart of the script. Reyn is a unique character and the series will use this opportunity to add variety and style to the filmmaking. She may be unable to hear or speak, but she's intelligent and capable.”

“After the teaser and Act One, the pilot is quite bleak. While Act One doesn't need to be filled with joy there could be more moments of light, and of Reyn enjoying being around her mother as perhaps this situation and this world, as it is, is the only thing that she's known. The danger here is that by having that stunning teaser, by following it up with something that's equally dark, there is a chance that the pilot reads as too heavy, dark, and oppressive.

“While it's important that the author doesn't spend too much time detailing what's gone wrong in the world, there could be a greater sense of what the script and series will evolve into. Our central cast is fairly small, there are supporting players of course, but the world is mostly isolated and going from this point forward is less clear than it could be.”

Additional Reader #3 Notes:

Rated by Reader #3 in the top 45% of submissions and placed into their “Pass” category, meaning: if they were a producer looking for a new TV script, they’d pass on this pilot.
For this version, I’d toyed with changing the name from The American Queen to Wounded Tongue (why you may have noticed a title change in the Grading section) .

JUL. 2023 / READER #4

Context:

Script Length: 64 pages (-6 from version read by Reader #3)
Reader Bio Provided (at time of feedback): Acquisitions and development coordinator at Samuel Goldwyn Films, an independent film distributor.

Reader #4 Grading:

(In case the above image is hard to see/read: Overall Impression: 45th percentile; Characters: 89th percentile; Concept: 40th percentile; Plot: 44th percentile; Structure: 41st percentile; Dialogue: 69th percentile)

Key Reader #4 Feedback:

The script has clear emotional stakes for the main characters, which makes it easy to understand and root for them.

The concept seems interesting and has inherently high stakes, however the details of the story are left intentionally vague to avoid creating a story that feels too expository. This is a good instinct, however, as a reader, it was hard to follow the plot without more information than what is provided in the script.

The writer has a strong talent for creating a mood and atmosphere, however the world of the story could be explained more specifically. The writer should bear in mind that most readers will be coming into it with absolutely no prior knowledge of the world and will need a bit more clarity that this script provides in order to feel fully immersed in the story. Overall, it feels a bit crowded for a pilot episode and there are many ideas and locations set up.

The characters are what stand out most in this script. The writer has a strong sense of how to write characters with clear motivations and flaws. This makes the story easy to relate to even in a far-fetched post-apocalyptic world. However, the pilot feels like it is trying to pack a bit too much in and doesn't provide quite enough information to the reader to make it easy to understand. There are some interesting reversals. At first, it seemed that Vitri was going to be a mostly evil character, but he gained more nuance as the script went on. The backstory remained quite vague, which leaves plenty of ground to cover in subsequent episodes, but also made for a somewhat confusing reading experience.

Additional Reader #4 Notes:

This feedback comes from an early round judge of a TV pilot contest (I know… I went against the advice I’d been given about contests…). I don’t think I was supposed to receive this feedback until the results were all in. I’m 99.9% sure I received this in error. Needless to say, I don’t think my pilot will be advancing.

What to make of all this?

While given the fact that the scale upon which each reader is grading their version of The American Queen is a dynamic one tuned solely to their grading history, and the exercise is therefore arguably pointless, when you chart everything out, this is what you get:

In other words, as this chart I put together illustrates: the scores here are all over the goddamn map.

Just take a look at the range for reach category graded:

Overall Impression: 45th percentile - 74th percentile
Characters: 42nd percentile - 89th percentile
Concept: 40th percentile - 83rd percentile
Plot: 44th percentile - 88th percentile
Structure: 41st percentile - 86th percentile
Dialogue: 45th percentile - 78th percentile

For me, the ultimate bummer is 2.5 years and several drafts later, the best reaction I had to the pilot was still with Reader #1.

And why is that, exactly? I have two theories. The first has to do with me:

Theory #1

When I sift through feedback and find nuggets that I think are actionable, I’m pretty ruthless when it comes to revising my work. This is evidenced by the page count for each submission:

Submission #1: 54 pages
Submission #2: 63 pages
Submission #3: 70 pages
Submission #4: 64 pages

Such swings indicate that significant changes have been made.

Prior to each submission, I of course read for any obvious errors—always—but it’s possible that as these changes are made I overlook something large, and/or I find myself ready to make a big change, but am too close to the work to think through all the ways in which it impacts the piece as a whole.

And the second theory I have has more to do with “them,” the WeScreenplay readers:

Theory #2

Art is subjective. Saying so, I worry, sounds like I’m shirking responsibility here. I assure you: that isn’t the aim. But look, it isn’t like WeScreenplay has a post-apocalyptic category I can choose from a dropdown. Nor can I select the tone of the project, or issue trigger warnings, or anything really to help make sure the person who receives my submission A) has interest in, say, the genre at large, and/or B) won’t be immediately put off by, say, a scene in which there is the suggestion of suicide.

I’m sure that WeScreenplay (and any affiliated contests run through their system) screens potential readers in some way to make sure they’re interested, and qualified, in a wide range of tones and genres.

But do (re)consider this: WeScreenplay offers coverage to TV pilots that fall under “drama” or “comedy”.

The American Queen, therefore, falls under the category of TV drama.

You know what else does? The O.C.

So there’s that, the breadth of the genre in which I’m submitting and just how impossible it is for someone to like everything in the same way. But there’s also the fact that someone who does identify with the tone and genre, well, they just might not like it.

Taste is real, dear reader, I promise you, and so much success in art and media hinges upon that which is purely subjective.

It’s the taste of one individual, or the taste of a very small group of individuals that plays the most significant role in what gets produced on a wide scale and placed in front of audiences. Books, music, movies, you name it.

Where to go from here

Despite the mixed bag of responses from WeScreenplay readers—I mean, could they be more different from one another?—I know the pilot for The American Queen is in good shape.

I can look at the response from Reader #1, in particular, know that the project is capable of landing with someone, and that I’m not just wandering out in left field here, as Reader #4 might seem to think.

Or, rather, if I am in left field, that I’m not wandering alone.

That said, the pilot for now is going in my imaginary desk drawer. I am confident that whenever it is I decide to pull it out of said drawer I’ll find something to change.

I always do. I always will.

But it’s in good shape. And I’m hopeful that someday someone out there will love it, and will see the potential I’ve seen in it all along.